3) Some sort of fight- related T-shirt. If you don't have one, then you need a T-shirt that has something to do with guns-HK, PROTECTED BY GLOCK, something that will most definitely strike fear into the hearts of men at a glance. As an added bonus, you might want to throw in some leather wristbands or at least something wristband- looking, like a watch with a really wide strap- a Swatch on a wristband! There ya go.

4) A number of noticeable body piercings. (If they are unnoticeable, like a Prince Albert, then you are gross.) Although the majority of real fighters don't have piercings because they get ripped out during training, the fans don't take the time to think of this occupational hazard, allowing you (the would- be contender) to sport these tantalizing, first- strike targets to any of us who might actually engage you in a brawl.

5) Make sure you write the word fighter as your occupation on ALL legal documents. This includes lease agreements, health plans, or the application for your brand- new job at Jiffy Lube. Word to the wise: only NON- posers write self- employed.

6) This book, Got Fight? (available now online and in your favorite local bookstore, including, but not limited to: Amazon .com, Borders, Barnes & Noble, Fred's Deli, Xandi's fish market on the corner of Thirty- third and Twelfth near the old rusted Dumpster, you know the one . . . where Sheila works? Ahhh . . . Magic Lips Sheila . . . Anyway . . .), must be in your hands at all times, and when in public, you want to open it up and pretend to read. This will cause hot, really dumb chicks to come up to you and ask if you fight, because these fine specimens are overly dumb and will sleep with you. If you can indeed throw down, you should clap my book shut, throw it aside, and say, "That guy don't have nothing to offer about fighting I don't already know. Wanna see my grenade tattoo?"

7) Finally, and perhaps the most dangerous of all, make sure to pronounce the word jujitsu in your fanciest Portuguese accent. (Sarcasm aside, because you bought this book, I like you and will maintain that position until you do some stupid homoerotic prank shit like they do on The Ultimate Fighter, so a serious word to the wise- and the stupid: when in the presence of a true Brazilian, do NOT try to pronounce this sacred word in
such a fashion, as you will receive an expeditious ass- whoopin' that you had not previously thought physically possible- I present Mr. Wanderlei Silva, the Axe Murderer-get it?)

8) Even if you say you're going to list six things, like I did above, always list more. The fact that you've lost your ability to count is verification enough that you are a fighter. And if your list mixes numbers and letters in the way it's organized-as in item 1, item b- most people will think you once held a championship belt of some sort.

The book is filled with odds and ends of the mind that is Forrest Griffin. If you know anything about the guy, what you've read probably makes a lot of sense. Below is Forrest's own take on what makes up a douche bag.

The Definitive Definition That Defines a Douche Bag

One day, while I was supposed to be writing down some intelligent shit...