The episode opens up with the usual movie-voice introductions. The Ultimate Fighting Championship is the premier mixed martial arts organization on the planet Earth where sixteen tributes from various districts must try to survive an annual survival match staged as a TV game show. I think I might have confused part of that with The Hunger Games, but you get the point.
Our coach introductions give us a general idea of who we're dealing with this season: Shane Carwin is the powerhouse former champ, whereas Roy Nelson is a guy who beat Kimbo Slice and all-around pain in the ass.
Next, the 32 guys competing to get into the house come out for their Dana White "This is the biggest [expletive] fight of your life" speech. Dana tells the guys to put on exciting performances, and Big Country immediately contradicts him and tells the fighters to just win and get in the house. This is our first glimpse of how the Nelson/White relationship is looking for the season.
Carwin, meanwhile, takes the kindergarten teacher approach and tells the guys to have fun, make your children proud, hug your mommas and then hit each other. Now that I think about it, my teacher Mrs.Budvitis really should have been fired.
Then we get fights. A lot of fights. Here's what happened in the episode... and then some information I've deemed pressing regarding some of the winners you'll be following into the house.
Dom Waters vs. Kevin Nowaczyk
The first elimination fight doesn't last long. The two exchange a couple of strikes and then Waters catches his opponent with a big 45° hook for the KO win. Fun fact: Waters was also an art major in college. I wonder if he could give his opinion of this portrait of Anderson Silva.
Michael Hill vs. Lev Magen
Another standup fight. Hill isn't big on combos, but every muscle punch he throws has bad intentions. About 1:30 in, a haymaker finds its mark and he gets the finish. We'll see if his time in the house teaches him anything about that whole technique thing.
Bristol Marunde vs. George Lockhart
This fight is a wrestling match that takes place mostly against the fence. Off a clinch release, Marunde's opponent shoots in, gets caught in a guillotine and eventually passes out. Bristol describes himself as a "fight promoter" and "businessman/entrepreneur." Sounds like he wrote the joke for me.
Mike Ricci vs. Jason South
When Ricci walks, out, everyone counts him out because of his pretty-boy look, but he proves the doubters wrong when he drops his opponent with a straight left and finishes with ground and pound. Dana says he,"Looks like an accountant, but doesn't fight like one," and dubs him The Accountant. Personally, I think he looks like Toby Maguire; but unfortunately, he doesn't fight like Spider-Man.
Julian Lane vs. Diego Bautista
Lane reports in as our token loud, pink-hair guy. Lane throws a lot of high kicks and flash, eventually getting a takedown and controlling his opponent. Nelson calls the fight "interesting" while Dana describes it as an "absolutely horrible, boring decision."
Igor Araujo vs. Cortez Coleman
Coleman beats up Araujo for the first round, then starts to fade away. Araujo takes the second soundly and forces it to the sudden victory round, where he ties up a triangle and gets the tap. After the fight he says, "My wife will be happy...that I'm not calling [her] tomorrow." If there's anything that can improve a...